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December 15th 2022 (12:44 am)

>hi this is odd lol. i havent been here in an entire year.

I wanted to write about something I've been thinking about lately. im on tablet and in an air bnb with my boyfriend so it'll be jumbled. I'll copy and paste below

October 31st (12:39 am)

BIRTHDAY TIME BABY!!!!!!

Hello! It's Roman! Didn't get a lot of sleep yesterday so I'm about to head off to bed early with Evan but! Happy Birtday to everyone here!

Jeez. 20 years old. Thats a whole new decade. A whole new start for us. Goodbye to our stupid teenage years LOL!

Already got some cute gifts for our birthday. Got some crocs anddddddd .... a whole 50$ worth bundle of lingerie panties from Victorias Secret by your truly. Fat hamster boyfriend Evan, hes so stupid hehehe

Sleeping now since we have a long day ahead of us (Tricking or Treating and the like!) so we're gonna head off to bed!

Now I know I don't have a ton of time to write or journal but once we get home we'll be all over it! This trip was amazing and lots of fun, and I feel like theres a lot I could write about it.

But watch.... once I hit home and open my laptop I'm gonna be in an absolute catatonic state, not knownig what to write what so ever hahaha

Anyways! Gnite! See ya soon! :8]

October 29th (2:42 am)

Goodmorning! yayeayh tgus us eo sawoome! i just drew right now. Oh my god hello it is roman i will upload my rtwork soon. I will not lie I am a little buzzed... Took about six shots and a blue hawaain drink. Awesome night tonight I am doong nothing but chilling it is so god damn awesome!

I haven't been this drunk in a while! I lvoe music! I am listening to tokyoo ready! I love drr and para para eurobeat ! I am going to draw. i am going to continue to draw I will show you my product soon!

I think I am ddrinking with Fegrusand I jave not in FOREVER.

thank you ferhus!

I fee nothing ubt giddy again!

Best vacatio everr.

October 23rd (8:21 pm)

Hello!

I have barely any time to log due to being so busy! But short update!

Went on a hike today, it was super nice! I'll make sure to insert my pictures here soon :8]

Surprising news... We're getting a cake and going treak or treating this year!

The mother said the uncle is trying to whip up a bit of a surprise birthday cake for us. We had no idea! We weren't expecting anything this year. But it sounds so exciting!

I'll try and take as many pictures as I can to put here. Though, Sadly... I did not bring Rena to take pictures (as per Evans request since he was adamant that I would lose her. I am grateful for his decision)

I will update as much as I can! And perhaps I will update a lot more after the trip because I feel as if I have so much to write about it already only a day in!

See you soon :8]

October 21st (5:55 pm)

Hi! Hello! Nice to see you again!

I'm going on my trip soon! (Have to wake up at 4:15 am lol)

Deeply considering pulling an all nighter since I only woke up 5 hrs ago. I can sleep abolsutely forEVER. I also have no packed all my clothes. Yes. I am irresponsible.

Anyways finally redid my carrd again to be a lot more simple! So worth it! I like it a lot!!! (it looks awful on mobile) but im proud of myself for spending time on it!

OH ALSO! I found a site where I can find DDR machines around me!

Awesome to do a little DDR digging every now and then! :8]

I'm gonna try and see if I can find a little place where Evan and I can go to and have fun!

Found out that the UK doesn't have many DDR machines.... Imagine living in the UK.... Imagine not being able to play a DDR machine once.........An L for thr UK community

While I type this I'm listening to Over The Time which is on DanceDanceRevolution: DDRMAX 6th Mix. the song itself is so underrated. and I heard it didn't make the US cut.

The song is also available on DDRMAX2 7th Mix and DDR Extreme. I wish I could hear it played in game! I wanna hear Nori Nori Nori the most though.... I love Nori Nori Nori so much :8]

I was instantly attracted to it the moment I heard it. I love Andrea Delfino.

She has like a ton of alias's but god damn if you heard a bussin ass song its most likely her on the vocals if it isn't Domino or Lolita.

Anyways you love how I write my trauma and daily discoveries in the same journal? I find it so humorous.

You scroll once or twice and BOOM mental breakdown BOOM trauma BOOM **vine boom sound effect

Anyways I'm super excited to see Bear tomorrow! I'm sure every one else will be too!

October 19th (11:47 pm)

Hello. It's Roman.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to put. Here.

I've been thinking about Communion again. My dad. Everything.

I'm sitting here. Staring at my keyboard. And I don't know what to say. I don't know how to start. What can I say.

Why do I look at things that I know will trigger me? Sometimes. I feel like its better for me. Like its healthy. To look at pictures that remind me of home. Since I miss them. I long them so much.

I feel like it'll help me in the long run. Like it helps me heal. Then some days. I feel like I'm willingly. Looking at something that I know will hurt me.

How can I go and do my volunteer work if I can't even step foot into a church without shaking. Without feeling weak.

Now you're probably gonna say "Roman why are you so shakin up, you live in one, dont you?" Well. It isn't the same. It never will be.

The cathedral I live in is my childhood home. On top of that, I've made sure to seal off the rooms I have those deep traumatic connections to. I've made sure to make my home into something that doesn't remind me of the things that happened to me or Eloi. Thats the least I could do for them, it's the least I could do before I even consider inviting them over.

Now what the hell is wrong with me. And what will I do?

I'm staring at the keyboard while typing this. I can't even muster up the courage to look at the screen, and read the words I'm writing.

Holy Father, please give me the strength to overcome this feeling of dread. I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want to feel lost, and broken hearted, at the meer sight of a place thats made for your worship.

I want to be able to worship you without feeling afraid. I want to feel welcome. Safe.

Isn't that the point of these places? Aren't I supposed to feel welcome?

I feel nothing but fear.

I couldn't help but shake when we passed the cathedral. I couldn't help but feel, so, so afraid.

Unlike Eloi. I am able to hide my frusteration, my anger, my fear.

They started crying. I watched them cry, just by passing some place that looked so nostalgic. So familar. Thats all they needed to see to be sent into a panic, into a frenzy.

I protected them. I made sure they wouldn't see it for the rest of the trip. But why did I feel so small?

I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't hide my fear, I couldn't hold it back.

How can I protect them if they see me shake?

I tried so hard for Evan to have no hint, to see no trace of what I was feeling. But it has hard after he saw Elois reaction.

How can I call myself a protector if I can't even protect them? If I can't protect the person I love, Dad.

How can I do this? How can I overcome this? What will make this reaction, end?

Please tell me that it'll end. One day. that I'll wake up, and never have a reaction like this again.

That my fear will never be shown.

I don't want to react like this. I want to overcome this fear.

Lord, please help me overcome this fear.

October 18th (10:34 pm)

Hello. It's Roman :8]

Long time no talk (its been 3 days). I haven't been doing anything much

OH! I got A LOT BETTER at Stepmania since my last entry. My fingers are actually muscle memory remembering the keys now. Thank fuck. Finally, amirite?

Im finally able to blankly stare at the screen, think about something else, and I mean totally drift away while I play. That is literal Paradise.

Running out of Maharaja Night and Eurobeat so guess what? I found a majority of the Beaver Music tracks!!!!! :8] I'm also listening to very underground albums like Eurobeat Masters and Asia Records... I'm not sure if Asia records is underground much though.....

Whatever! I'm having fun! I love the music! Need to find custom beatmaps of these songs for Stepmania!!!!!

October 15th (12:11 pm)

Redrew one of my old works from May 4th! I hope I've improved :8] !!!!! OH ALSO! I might be going by Raymond now! Ross + Raymond sounds fucking awesome! I'm super excited to add it to my carrd too (once I code it I'll never code it)

Other that that I'm doing great! I might be traveling to another state soon which is superrr fun! Think I'm gonna call the mother about it now! The tickets won't cost much and I wanna travel anyways so score score!

Can't wait to go to Europe! But Japan first .... **le sigh.

I'll be out of the country soon, I promise! But first I should travel the country I'm in. That only makes most sense, right? Not really willing to go to Utah or Alabama. Or Tennessee. Texas im willing to go to though!

Now just imagine me in a cowboy get up. Cowboy Ross.... Cowboy Ray..... Cowboy me. The hat, boots, and everything. So real.

Now that I'm thinking about it I should draw that. LOL!

Anyways see ya for now! Thinking about watching Squid Game in a bit, we'll see how that goes :8]

October 14th (1:03 pm)

Fergus doesn't rule us anymore. We're our own people.

We can unapologetically say. We are who we are.

If I said this to you, would you hate me?

The words I say are not out of malice, Ram. they're out of love. They're out of love for you.

Because I love you, Ram. I love you just as much as I love everyone else here.

The things we had go through. The things we had to go through, together.

I know you hate me. I know you dislike me. I know.

I see the way you look at me every time I'm over. I know what you think.

You're serving a god that prioritizes serving me.

I know it hurts. I don't want you to hate me.

I don't want you to see me as Fergus. I want you to see me as my Father.

I know how much he did for you. I know how kind he was to you. I know how much you wanted to be with him.

We both want to be with him so badly. Even though you don't say these words to me. I know.

Now that Eloi and I are healing. I want to heal with you too.

Please tell me you'll give me to chance to heal with you. Please tell me you'll heal with me.

Lets heal, together.

Lets process things, together.

Lets both take it slow. And learn how to recover from what we've been through.

Nobody rules us anymore.

You're not trapped anymore.

I know you feel like it. Even though you're free.

I'm healing from everything. I want you to be by my side.

Processing Fergus isn't the same if I can't process him with you.

I wasn't alone. I want you to be there. I want to be there for you.

I hope that one day, we'll be able to touch again without remembering him. Without feeling disgusted with ourselves. Without having even a shred of a thought about his existence.

I hope that one day. We can do this together.

I'm going to propose this idea to you. I hope you're okay with it.

I hope you won't disregard me.

Lets do this together.

October 14th (11:42 am)

Goodmorning! I'm okay now!

I'm Roman.

Wow. Thats insane.

I am?

God damn. God dammit!

I am!

Hello. Even after all this time, Hello.

It's nice to be able to say I'm Roman again and not even after 24 hours of a break. I'm so lucky that I snap back to reality and get over my dissociation, or any doubts about myself so easily.

So what are my plans today? What am I doing today?

Oh! Dad! I'm looking at a few different places to volunteer at to get started! I'm working at home. But I really think if I work at home I can do things in the body as well to commit to my work. I can't just lounge in the body all day, right? I need to do the things I'd be doing at home and do them in the body!

I remember you used to volunteer all the time.

Going to different districts to hold those little banquets I hated you dragging me to.

Going in support to help out Conan and others set up activities for the children.

You'd always be traveling. Doing something.

I thought it was so annoying.

I hated when you took me to those stupid adult volunteer work things. I wanted to be a normal kid whose parents did nothing but their day to day. Unlike being the son of the District Priest. So annoying..... I always thought being your son was so annoying!

I look back and I feel happy to say that I was your son. Not everyone got the oppurtunity to do the things I did. Even though it was mildly uncomfortable and annoying, I'm glad I was able to do those things with you. Volunteer with you. Go to places people on the inside have never seen!

The beach was so beautiful! The mountains were so beautiful! They were the reason why I wanted to strive to get out of there!

Going outside, was the highlight of my life.

If you didn't take Eloi and I outside. I don't know if we'd be where we are now.

Here.

Did you know we took everyone outside once? Did you know that?

After Eloi and I had seen how beautiful the world and life could be, we took everyone outside.

Alo, D, Val, Eloi, and I. We all went outside.

We all got to see how beautiful life and the world could be. All that was thanks to you, Dad. If you hadn't shown us those things. I don't think we as kids would have strived to get out. To run. To go outside. To live our own lives.

If you hadn't shown us what freedom looked like. How beautiful life could be. We wouldn't be here.

Even now, the world, life. It's like no other.

It's so huge! And vast. The things that are in this world. And the things that can't even be explained. I want to explore them all.

This determination has came from no one but you. I want to thank you. I love you.

With that being said. I'm traveling the world now! I'm gonna try and go to a few places before I die.

Remember when you said you always wanted to go to Europe? To see the Cathedrals.

Like living in one wasn't enough for you hahaha.

Like living in one isn't enough for me... lol!

Well. I'm going, Dad! I'm going for you! And I'm making sure to take lots and lots of pictures for you. I'll make sure to upload them here once I get the time! I'll make sure to show you everything I saw! I'll make sure you're right there with me.

It's quite the expensive trip. So I have to plan a few more things before setting off.

Everyone wants to go to Japan instead of Europe god dammit!!!! What the hell is up with that!!!!

How boring. Jeez.

I just want to make you happy. Even if we're so far away!

I hope you're doing well, Dad. I love you, and hope to see you soon!

October 13th (7:20 pm)

Sometimes I wonder if I, Roman Barrion, am even real.

I mustn't be.

But I'm host now, aren't I? Don't I handle everything? Don't I make the decisions? Aren't I the one that endures anything that comes our way?

Huh.

I'm not real to others. I'm not real to the people I care about, am I?

Am I real to these people? Or am I just a fluke?

Who am I?

I could answer this so easily not even a few days ago. But sometimes when I think. I think about all the people who have said they care about me.

Do they really think I'm Roman? Or do they think I'm just some fluke running the body. Running this thing on autopilot.

I'm not an alter. I'm Roman. Am I just an alter to you? Am I not a real person to you?

I don't have my same thoughts. Feelings. I don't have any of those. Because I am an alter?

If thats what everyone thinks. I don't want to be an alter anymore.

I don't want to be seen as an alter anymore.

I'm one person. I'm not multiple people.

I'll change myself. I'll become the body. I'll integrate. I'll become another person.

I thought I said I wasn't going to do this again, Dad. I thought I said I wasn't going to change myself. I thought I accepted myself. I have, I have. I swear. I swear I'm Roman Barrion. I swear. Arent I?? Aren't I Roman? Aren't I Roman Barrion? Or am I someone else. Am I someone else? God. Please tell me. Please tell me who I am. Please tell me what my purpose is.

Wasn't I made to protect? Wasn't I brought upon this earth to protect those I love?

I want to run to Eloi. I want to run to Eloi. I said I wouldn't run to Eloi. I said I wouldn't do this again.

Eloi knows who I am. Eloi knows me. Eloi knows me better than myself. To hear Eloi say "I know you, you're Roman." I want to hear it so bad. God, let me hear those words.

Dad. I want to be strong. I want to be strong for you. I want to be your Roman. I want to be the man you said you'd be so proud to see.

But I want Eloi so badly... If I run. If I run. I'll be you, Dad. They'll see me as you, Dad.

I thought I wasn't you, Dad.

I thought I was Roman Barrion.

I thougt I was my own person.

But at the end of the day I am you. I am you. Aren't I? I'm you. I'm meant to be you. I'm meant to follow in your footsteps. Thats what I'm meant to do. I'm not meant to protect. I'm meant to be you.

If I didn't leave I'd be you, wouldn't I? I'd have my own child. I'd be someones guardian. I'd be enrolling them into communion with regret.

Wouldn't I?

Wouldn't I, Dad?

Please tell me, Dad. Please tell me who I am. Please tell me who I'd be.

Where would I be?

What would I be doing right now?

I wish I didn't run away.

I'm sorry I ran away.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I want to see you again. I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry I'm not with you. I'm sorry I wont ever be able to see you again. I'm sorry I wont be able to be there for you when you pass away. I'm sorry I wasn't with you during The Rapture.

You wanted to get me out of there. You worked so hard for me. I'm sorry I didn't leave with you.

Where are you, Dad? Where are you?? Where are you???????

Where are you.

Who am I? Who am I? Who would I be????????

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't leave with you.

Please forgive me. Please forgive me.

I'll submit myself over to you.

I'll do anything you'd like.

I'll hurt Eloi again for you.

I'll do anything you want. I'll do anything you tell me to do.

I'm only a child again.

I'm no different than I was all those years ago.

I'll hold Eloi down for you again. I'll let you do anything you want. I won't protect them anymore. I won't protect them. I won't protect myself.

Please. Hurt me.

My body doesn't feel right not being contorted by you. It feels so empty.

Please give me meaning. Give me purpose. Make my body feel purpose.

Enroll me instead. Please enroll me instead of Eloi. I have a purpose too. I have a meaning in life too.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'll do anything to see you again. I'll let you do anything to me. I'll let you do anything you want.

I'll turn a blind eye, I promise. I wont look. I'll act like I never saw anything. I wont tell a soul. I won't tell anyone. Please. Hurt me. Please give me a purpose. A reason to live. A reason to say. That I am Roman.

October 13th (5:04 pm)

All super old works we never really showed to anyone. These are visibly quite old... if you couldn't tell.

All of these images are cropped but the last one because the rest of the images are just that embarrassing... (even the last one is quite embarrassing...so many mistakes....) I might post some other cropped images of these photos later.

I used to think I got the worst deck of cards. I had mentioned it somewhere here before. Asking for Mary to spare me.

I don't think I've gotten the worst cards in the world now!

I look back at my old works. I make me want to work harder. Hopefully I can do more incredible things in the future. For no one but myself. I havent shown these images to anyone. How embarrassing!

Well at the end of the day I don't mind who sees this or my journal. It's for me myself and I. So? You have to fail to succeed! Working hard will always make my work get better. Even if the examples shown look a little wonky lol!

Anyways.

How are you dad?

October 11th (8:37 am)

Goodmorning! :8]

I have nothing perticular to write about today, actually. I just woke up! Made some ramen. Chilling and gonna watch a documentary or something special! Actually..... Think im just gonna finish the mlp movie hahaha!

Life feels so nice and peaceful right now... uwaah....

ignore the horrible pic but I took this for Chow who apparently has never had ramen before. LIKE HUH?

UPDATE: October 11th (9:08 am)

NO WAY THIS PONY MOVIE MADE ME CRY LIKE NO WAY IM CRYING AT MY LITTLE PONY NEW GENERATIONS HAHAHAHA

The soundtrack was god awful but I really liked the message + the pony dad with the glasses was hot (projecting) so I'd give itttt like a 7.5/10 like its current ratings

October 10th (6:44 am)

Hello! Jeez ive been hiberating for forever :8] I need to start drawing again but after working forever on one piece I'm lazzzyy I'm a lazy little fat fart

As Robin says. I'm just a little hamster hibernation communist puppy guy!

Since I'm not in the particular mood to draw I'm gonna write here for now!

What to write about today hmmmm I had topics I wanted to gloss over...

OH DAD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Is it october 11th or october 10th ummm)

I wonder how old you are today! I hope you're doing well!

I miss you!

I have a bit of an update last time I spoke to you here! I've finally decided to officially work again! I already started writing my next sermon! I'm doing all the things you taught me. I've been trying to strengthen my connection with Livi a bit!

Oh dad! Since I know you can't be here for me on my wedding day. I wanted to let you know Livi is here for me! Just like you asked. They're here for me! They kept their promise to you. So you don't need to be afraid that I'll be alone.

I'll be okay.

I've been okay!

I wonder if you're okay too. I wanna ask Livi but it seems like territory that I cannot cross. And theres no way in hell I can ask Motem, yknow...

With that being said I pray for your safety and hope you're doing okay!

Like I said, I really wish you could be here. But Livi guiding me seems to be all I need.

I wonder just how strong your connection with them really was for them to protect me even after you're gone. I want to ask Livi what you guys would talk about. What would you guys have a cup of tea over.

It's so hard to imagine the god of fury having a cup of tea with an airhead like you.

I hope you were happy when you shared those moments with Livi. Now I'm the one having a cup of tea with the god of fury. Jeez. Am I the new airhead?

They say I act a lot like you. I always felt like I was more stern than you...... It was hard to push you over the edge. Of course when you were serious you were Serious. It doesn't take me much to get serious. I always felt like we were so different.

But at the end of the day we aren't! I'm still your son. And at the end of the day... I do fawn over Livi a little too! LOL!

Of course never in the manner you do. But imagining Livi tailoring my suit for the wedding...

...........................................

UUUUWAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KEWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIVI IS JUST SO KEWWTTTTTTTT!!!

MY LITTLE GOD OF FURY. DOING THAT FOR ME? SO KEWWTTT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW ADORABLE THEY'D BE SEWING PIECE BY PIECE! I WANNA WATCH THEM TAILOR SO CUTEE DAD SO CUTEEEEEE!!! WHO'D IMAGINE I'D BE HAVING THE TREATMENT YOU WERE UWAAHHHH....I LOVE MY LIFE.... I LOVE LIVI

Livi makes life worth living!

Where would I be without my little Livi being the cutest little god ever!

If I fawn this way you were definitely worse. Unlike you I am able to contain these cute little overloads I have. I just make the face... yknow. The face you make. But its me... And I'm silent.... fawning ever so lightly on the outside. But my brain is running hamster wild with excitiment over seeing a god, who has the power to obliterate me do the cutest things everrrr!

We're so alike in so many ways. In ways more than one. And I will say. One of those ways is our mutual love for Livi. Livi couldn't be any cuterrrrr ehehehe!

How blessed I am to have such a loving little god to watch over me (well they aren't so little you get what I mean)

Now imagine them playing Dance Dance Revolution..... UWAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I REALLY AM MY FATHERS SON! HOW CUTEEEE SO KEWWWWTTTTT LIVIIIIII!!!!

Imagine a life without Livi, dad. I cannot imagine.

On another topic: My sermon

I decided to write about The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.

I realized that this is what I am experiencing. Remember when I used to run? Remember when I used to be worried? Anxious?

The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding which helps you achieve the harmony and calmness of body, mind, and spirit that supersedes earthly circumstances.

I've never felt so. Peaceful. Thats the only words I've been able to describe my feelings. My circumstance. Its like a euphoria that has taken over my mind, my spirit, my entire body.

Why on earth do I feel so peaceful, even during moments of chaos?

God, dad. I have no idea. But I'll tell you. It's the best experience, it's the best feeling, it's the best emotion I've ever felt in my entire life. I've never felt this way before in my entire life.

All my friends keep going Ross, aren't you scared? Aren't you worried? So much is going on!

I don't it, dad. I don't feel anything. I feel safe. I feel like God has wrapped his arms around me so safe and tightly.

Have you ever experienced this? Did you ever experience anything like this when you were in charge?

How did it feel?

I hope you experienced this at least once. I hope you've felt this warmth, this feeling of happiness, calmness, pure joy. I've been nothing but happy.

I've never felt so amazing! Things are going so well for me mentally.

I miss you!

I'll work hard to get us out of here, for you!

A little update on Eloi and I. I think you'd be happy to hear dad we're doing quite well! :8]

Now it isn't like we're getting engaged or anything but. I don't think I see Eloi in a romantic way anymore.

Now you'd hear that and go WOAH WOAH WOAH ROMAN.... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Well its just like I said it dad thats it. I don't see Eloi in that way anymore. I'm engaged now. I'm getting married. I'm working again. I don't crave them as I did before. I would crave and cave and run to them. Have sex. Retraumatize myself. I did so much. We both did so much.

There was no chance. Eloi never saw me in that way. I know you know that, Even I know that. And I kept holding on to this false hope. Which in the end was just. Sex.

We would both run to one another. When we felt lost. When we felt afraid. I would get scared. I wouldn't confide in my partners. I'd go to Eloi.

What was wrong with me? Why did I keep craving someone who didn't love me? I'm not sure... I just felt like. Eloi knows me best. Eloi knows me more than I know me. The things Eloi and I would do together. I felt this connection I had never felt with anyone else. I craved them more than anyone else in the world.

Now I look back and think. What was wrong with me?

I have people who love me right in front of me. Why don't I confide in people who actually care? And not with just. Sex.

Sex between Eloi and I felt like no other. It felt like such a sinful, yet intimiate act.

I talked to them recently. About everything. We're able to talk like nothings happened between us. Like normal. Aquaintances. Maybe even friends. I felt happy. I didn't crave them. I didn't want anything from them.

It was a whole new feeling I had never felt before. I didn't feel... Sad. Vulnerable... I didn't feel those things while speaking to Eloi on such a sensitive subject.

We hugged, Dad. They hugged me.

I was able to touch Eloi in a way that wasn't immediately deemed as an act of sin.

The hug. It felt so good.

Theyre so tall now, Dad. You'd be so surprised to see!

It felt so nice... They were so warm. I felt so happy.

And then I remembered the hug they gave me so many years ago when we lost you.

I've missed them so much.

I don't want to do those things with them anymore. I want them to see me as Roman. Not as you. Not as Rurik. I want them to see me as Roman.

I was thinking about making them my best woman at my wedding but um... I'm so embarrassed. I'm too embarrassed to ask!

Jeez... do you think they'd even be willing?!

Evan says no. HAHAHAHA. BUT... I THINK... UM.... She just might... Say yes!

Nobody is closer. Nobody knows me better. Nobody knows me like Eloi. Elois been there for me through thick and thin. What would my wedding be like with Eloi not there? I don't want Eloi to not be there for my special moment.

I want her to be there! And I want to be there for her the moment she gets wed (And I dont think that'll take long since they see me getting married jeez... they always make everything a competition)...

But im so excited! Getting married in your early twenties... not many people do that these days!

So I said by my mid twenties I'll have a few kids.

Do you think thats too much? Maybe a few?

Evan said he thinks we'll have more than that UGH.... IM ONLY UGHING BECAUSE HES RIGHT, DAD... You're gonna have many grandkids...

How does that make you feel?

Oh god I can imagine your face now reading this.

The face y'know... the face you make. When you get giddy... You're so annoying. I can imagine it now.

I love you.

You idiot.

I'm sure they'll see you in the future! I just know it! So don't be dead or something you idiot, you have grandchildren on the way.

I think thats all I wanted to talk about. There isn't much more I can say that you don't know already.

I'm glad I can talk to you like this. It makes me nothing but happy knowing you'll read this one day.

Oh before I go dad my hair is serverly damaged HAHAHA. So I'll have to grow it out all over again. I'll get my natrual color back. And I don't mind it anymore. I'm kinda excited to let it grow out. I'm gonna look exactly like you, how annoying...

As if I don't look like you enough...

Yeah, Yeah. I bet you're making that face again, aren't you?

Die.

Goodnight, Dad :8]

October 8th (3.44 pm)

Hi dad! :8]

I'm thinking about you right now! I hope you're doing well!

I found a song I think you'd really like! It's called Big In Japan by Max Casanova. Now it isn't exactly Maharaja Night (it's Europanic!) but I still think you'd like it. The chorus reminds me of you. I'm not sure why! Just something I think you'd like. It feels very Nostalgic. Like I'm a kid again!

We haven't spoken in a long time. I wish you could see how I'm doing now! I'm very happy!

The last few times I came to you I felt like I didn't know where to go, where to turn. Because I always thought I'd have you. I always thought I'd have you by my side. I'm doing okay now! I just wanted you to know that.

Just in case you were worried or something.

I'm sure you are.

But I'm okay now!

I feel free! I feel happy again!

I was thinking about trying out work again. I wonder if you'd be okay with it seeing what happened last time.

I felt like you were disappointed in me. I don't want to disappoint you. I want you to be proud of me and my work!

Writing sermons gets so boring, yknow?

Why am I asking you if you know I'm sure you know, I know how much you hated it lol!

I just want to be like you! I want people to enjoy my work. I'm not sure what to write in sermons anymore though.... What do I write about? I can only write about things I heavily connect with or am passionate about.

I was thinking of starting off with a topic like self sabotaging. Something people can relate to. Something I can relate to. I was so used to running away from things after dealing with them. I wasn't able to process a situation before I solved it and ran. Now usually someone would say something like "Why does it matter? You ended up solving it, didn't you?"

Well it isn't that simple. Not for me at least.

I want to be able to talk about it with people. I want people to come to me when they're in distress, just like people would do to you.

You were always so comforting. You were always able to set aside your feelings to lend a listening ear. No matter the time, place, or person.

When I was a kid I thought it was annoying how'd you'd stop and listen to anyone. Anyone really. Someone in the theater, someone at the restaurant, someone in the store. And then I had to wait. It was so annoying. I hated it.

I look back at your generosity. I miss it. I want it. I want to be you. I want to do all the things you did for me and others.

Well its hard for me, dad. I'm a little more shy compared to you....

Though, with that being said. I can't let that mindset overwhelm me again.

Everyone knows me. Everyone knows who you are. It's like the elepahnt in the room, that I'm the Barrion kid. It's so taboo. How can an imaginary title be so taboo? I feel like it follows me wherever I go. How do I make a name for myself without being you? How do I separate myself from our name?

I don't want to be just the Barrion kid. It feels so odd. I'm Ross! I'm Roman! I'm Roman Barrion.

I'm not just Ruriks son.

I'm my own person.

I can finally say that I'm my own person now. I feel grateful for being able to type those words and process them. Years ago I don't think I'd be able to say something like that with my whole heart.

I can be my own person. I can lead us out of here. I want to see you again. I'm going to see you again. I promise you that I will see you again.

Even though I'm Roman. I'm still a Barrion. I always will be.

I want to see you again.

I miss you so much.

Words cant describe how much I miss you, dad.

I hope you're alive.

Please be alive.

Please tell me Conan got you out of there safetly.

Please tell me you aren't dead.

I want to see you again.

I can't help but tear up while writing these words.

Please. Be alive for me.

Eloi misses you. I miss you. We both miss you. We both miss you so much. We both want to see you alive.

We don't care where you are. We'd come and visit you. We both love you.

I hope you're okay. I hope you're with Conan. I hope hes protecting you.

I want you to see me happy! I'm happy, dad. I wish you could see me. I wish you could come to my wedding! It's embarrassing to say... but I'm getting married soon! I wish you could see your future grandchildren! Go to their birthdays, come to certain events!

I know I've told you this already but I'm with D so......... hahahaha! And a few others **side eye

You'd make fun of me.... Seeing the amount of partners I have. I'm killing it. You always said I would..... who knew. I suppose its like Evan says, its "The Barrion Gene..." I guess it was always in my nature like you said all those years ago. I thought you were crazy when you would spout those things.....jeez.... such an idiot...

I love you, dad!

I hope you're doing well. I hope you're safe. I hope you're happy somewhere far far away.

Lets see one another soon. I love you.

October 7th (7:29 am)

Ok so I lied I didn't code anything because I've been too busy A) Hiberating and B) Drawing LOL

Still having the time of my life tho!

The only thing I can actually complain about is my Eurobeat and Maharaja Night sources running so thin. I feel like I've heard every album there could possibly be (as in every one that isn't region locked/copyrighted. It's so frustrating because sometimes I find bangers but they're released via Beaver Music and if one knows Eurobeat one knows Beaver Music loves to copyright like a motherfucker.

Every Beaver Music song that has been copyrighted is such a banger though. Each time I find one its so good, its so fucking good. I can usually only pirate them off of Japanese sites but jfc. It's so hard to find the resources I need to listen to the rest of the albums.

Now I've resorted to listening to the Europanic albums, which isn't BAD. Listened to Vol 1 and theres a few bangers scattered in there every now and then so I feel grateful! :8] But I just wish I could find more Maharaja Night.

To be fair.... They released over 20 albums + I just think I'm bitching.

Everyone says I love bitching. hahahaha. So true!

Bitching seems to be a talent I and only I have here. 750+ tracks in my Eurobeat and Maharaja Night playlist... and I still bitch... unreal...

Anyways

I know I'm supposed to use this to write about things on my mind, personal things ig but why does it matter? I should be able to write about what the hell I wanna write about. It doesn't always have to be negative!

Hmm... what do I wanna talk about today... I haven't really had anything on my mind recently.

My life is at the best state its been in in such a long time. I've been fronting a lot recently (Been here for months) so I've had the time to think about the things in my life. Process them. And move on.

I feel like when I'm not in the body that becomes much harder for me. It's odd. I was so used to running away and becoming dormant when I was anxious or maybe even scared. Now I just... kinda don't give a fuck.

Anything thrown at me recently, I've been able to take. I don't run anymore.

When stressful situations would happen. I would get so scared. I would get so panicked. I wanted to run away. I wanted to become dormant after handling the situation. Sometimes I didn't front for weeks. But then I realized. Whenever I come back I feel exactly the same. When I stay in the body. I learn to process my emotions, my feelings, I stop caring, I don't care anymore.

Why the hell is that?

Well jeez don't ask me.

I have no idea why that happens with me. I guess I can thank my sudden revelation! I've been the happiest I've been in a very long time!

It's odd! I wish I could know the reason myself. But the answer seems to be simple. The minute I stop hiding, I feel free.

So whats the point of hiding anymore? Whats the point of running away?

I look back and feel foolish. I wish I could throw 5 month ago Ross in a headlock and wait for him to tap out on the wrestling mat.

Jeez........ what an idiot.

I'm looking at my Rena figure while writing this rn... shes so kewwwwwttt my little Rena girl! My little meow meow!

Well! I think I'm done with my momentary tangent. TLDR: Ross happy. Ross free. Ross front forever. A blessing and a curse my loves might say!

Anyways I'm gonna make some breakfast and play stepmania in a catatonic state until I pass out

Goodnight :8]

October 6th (1:20 am)

Hi.

I don't even have anything to write here today but hai I'm just chilling and vibing. I'm in the mood for fresh french fries but its one in the morning smh.

Now that im thinking about food im about to get up and make myself some soup (Beef pot roast) and tea (Chamomile) while I either A) Listen to youtube documentaries or B) Read Higurashi.

I'm living the life

Life hasn't been this peaceful in months

Then I'll get off my lazy ass and code the rest of the site I promise (I'm lying to you right now I'm lying)

October 3rd

even though he was dumb he would always help me. like when i had a hamster. and we had to make the tank. i didnt know how to make the fucking tank. but it wasnt like my dad left me alone to handle that. even tho he didnt know how to assemble it either. we both sat there and assembled it together. (in the end i did more progress than him...) but he was a good dad thru and thru. he would get hurt. he would sit there for hours to do something for me. and even if it was grueling he was still there for me. and i wont forget stuff like that

maybe he was bad at everything else. i get it.

he didn't give me the attention he gave eloi. and that really hurt me. but i was still his son.

even if he was stupid.

he still loved me like i was his son.

and usually i'd say like his overwhelming love......... was annoying (which it was). it was but i look back and im grateful for it.

i wont have anyone who loved me more than my dad.

he just did bad things. because of a bad person. and while thats no excuse. he was a little batshit crazy kid that settled down and bit the bullet and because his abusers, because he wanted to give eloi and i a good life. it sucks. but i love him. and i understand how hard that must have been to go well. i cant fight back anymore. i have a kid now. can't beat em join em for my kids.

imagine how hard that decision was to make as a 12 yr old.

who even has the mind the make that type of decision as a 12 yr old?

he did. thats fucking insane. yes. hes stupid. yes. hes done stupid and abusive things.

but at the end of the day he was just a broken man who couldnt be fixed until he got out of there.

imagine shaking the hands of your abusers every other day

the people who physically and sexually abused you. and you have to look them in the face and swap pleasantries.

my dad was an extraordinary man. i wish i could go back and thank him. thats something i know i'll never be able to do. but i wish i could.

i write a lot in my diary about this. and i often go from hating him to loving him. its just hard to understand a man like that sometimes. its so complicated. but sometimes i miss him. a lot of the times i miss him.

i want to be like him when i become a dad. i wanna have lots of kids. and be silly. and loving with my kids. help them ride a bike. bring them lunch to class. embarrass them in front of their friends like my dad did.

i want to do the things he did for me to my kids.

there was more good in him than bad.

i know opinions may differentiate depending on who you ask.

but theres people like ram, and wolfie,. who have experiences with him. where he didn't go out of his way to take advantage of them when he could. its more than just them too. he put his life in danger to make sure a kid wouldnt be abused. eloi got the short end of the stick. and while i understand it. i don't think he did it to hurt us.

i just miss him

idk......... ive missed him a lot recently.

i've been thinking about him a lot too........i just wonder where he is and how hes doing. i wonder if he has fucking wrinkles yet or something.

or if hes dead i don't know. but i wish i could say hi..

the only way i can do that is if bosco integrates. idk how possible that is..............

but maybe one day.

October 1st (5:19 pm)

I've been wanting to write here and in my journal forever but I've been too god damn lazy to open the editing tab to do it wtf

Anyways I'm finally here hi!

I wanted to speak about my feelings, my emotions, and the personality traits that make me who I am.

I've always been a loyal person. My beloveds and friends usually make the joke saying I'm somewhat of a loyal guard dog, or a puppy. Because no matter how many times you kick me down, I will always come running back. I will always run, I will always chase you if I love you. And I love so many people.

I have quite a bit of partners. My dynamic usually changes with each partner. But no matter what dynamic we have

I will always be loyal to you.

I will always chase you to the ends of the earth.

I'm your dog! I will always follow you no matter how much you kick me down.

Why am I like that?

Well jeez! I can't tell you for sure. I've always been like this. Ever since childhood. Protecting my loved ones seems like something I was born for. I'm happy to be born this way, but jesus christ... sometimes it gets in the way of things for me.

I've always attached myself to people who aren't deserving of my love. It seems to be a trait of mine. Who would Roman be if he wasn't falling in love with the wrong people? lol!

I wouldn't even be Roman at that point! As much as I would like to say it isn't true. It is. Now how do I fix this?

Well simple words I CANT. And thats ok!

After Fergus. After Eloi. My father. The idea of losing someone breaks me down. The idea of being left with an open ending. Not knowing someones feelings. Not knowing what happened. Not knowing anything at all?

I hate it.

I'll fight tooth and nail to prevent it.

If I care about you, I'll fight tooth and nail for you. Doesn't matter who you are. Doesn't matter what you've said about me. Doesn't matter what you did to me. I'll always run to you.

For people I don't give a shit about I'm the exact opposite actually hahaha. I could care less if I don't care about you and you leave me with an open end.

This is for people I care about. People I love. Whether it be romantic or not. I will always run to you if I love you.

Now being the literal epitome of a dog is great and all. But what happens when people keep kicking me down?

September 27th (4:35 pm)

This art is quite old since I haven't drawn Fergus in a while. I can count on my fingers how many pictures I have of him (there aren't many).

Even while being a man with extreme wealth and power his posture is so terrible, its that of a college student while being way past his 30s.

Looking at this picture he looks so young. Hes definitely older than he looks. Older than my dad of course.

I can remember him being so clingly and annoying. Can you imagine this man being so clingy to a child?

I remember my dad forcing out a greeting and words of pleasantries to him every Communion, they would shake one anothers hands before Orientation. They both always looked as if they wanted to rip one another apart in that very moment. Every time.

Imagine seeing a man that would unspeakable things to you every event.

Fergus was always very casual about it. I wonder if he enjoyed it actually (he did).

Even years later he liked to see my dad squirm.

The hatred my father had for him was unbearable. It was like he could barely hold himself together every Communion. Every year a few days before the event he was a mess. The reason being, because he knew he would see him.

Fergus gave him his fame. Without Fergus my dad would be nothing.

He knew that. So what else could he do?

Every win my dad got he didn't like. I think he would subconsciously take it out on me every now and then. Maybe we looked too much alike during those moments. I thought he liked that. But theres a time for everything.

Every Communion entry would break my father.

I know it did. But he was doing so well (or you could say Eloi was doing so well...) so how could he stop himself?

Well one word. Greed.

If you think he didn't like feeing Fergus' face every win you'd be sorely mistaken.

In fact! That is why my father kept entering.

If you think its because he wanted to get out of the cult. To leave and start a new life. You're wrong.

He wanted to win. He wanted to show his abuser that he was better than him at his own game. He wanted more power than Fergus.

And by god, dad! You got it!

At what cost? A childs innocence. My innocence?

Using a child who isn't even yours to break the hierarchy.

Why didn't you just use me?

It makes me so angry. I was already partcipating behind closed doors. Why did you just use me?

Why didn't you just enter me? Why couldnt you have just entered me? What would be so different?

I wanted to partcipate. I didn't want Eloi to hurt anymore. I would have won. I would have won for you. I would have won for Eloi. I would have done anything I could to keep Eloi safe. Protecting them from you wasn't enough.

Nothing I had done was enough.

I wonder if I had grown up to be like you if Fergus would have hated me.

Do you think he would have still loved me? Do you think he would continue to make his signature cookies for me even if we were on opposite sides? Even if we were enermies? Or do you think the minute I hit puberty he'd abandon me and seek another Barrion?

I wonder if our relationship would still be continuing even now.

I don't doubt it. I would probably be by his side, I was quite the pushover. So if he asked me to stay... I don't think I'd deny him.

I wonder what he'd think if he saw me now.

Well for starters I'm taller than you now so I think he'd be surprised. "Wow you've grown so tall!" Something like that... something of that manner.

I admit. Having a man 10+ my senior giving me the love and care you didn't was invigorating.

Our dynamic was interesting. A shy, introverted and quiet kid with a boastful, arrogant, yet charismatic man isn't something you see every day.

I wonder if I miss it. I wonder if I miss that boastful, arrogant bastard.

Huh.... Not really.

As I said before. I don't think about him much. I don't seek out men like him either. He was just another person in my life... I can't say I felt much. After the incident. I think I felt more.

Maybe thats just how I cope. I don't react largely to things. I don't cry. I just sit, stare, and wonder how things would have been. I haven't cried in a while actually. I can't really remember the last time I cried either. Had to be months ago. But it definitely wasn't about Fergus.

I don't cry about Fergus. I cry about Ram. I cry about Eloi. I can't bring myself to cry about Fergus. I should probaby cry about Fergus.

Well jeez... Don't just sit there and watch me. It becomes a lot harder like that.

I don't miss him. But I miss the exeriences he gave me. Everything else was bleh. He was quite the average and boring man if you got down the root of him. And spoiled too... I wonder why a kid seemed to be the only thing that could fill that hallowed out hole for him. Only a child could do I suppose.

I hope I filled that hole for him, even if it was temporary. It was only fair. Since he filled a hole for me too. Equal exchange could be the better words to describe that. Emotionally distant, abusive, strung out father. It was nice being able to go to him. No. To run to him. I'm glad I could run to you, Fergus.

Thank you for letting me be able to take shelter from a man you ruined.

It came full circle. You would have most likely ruined me too. Well. You didn't have that opportunity. Thats unfortunate.

Maybe we'll see one another again.

And then perhaps I can teach you more... "newer and hip words" since you've missed out on quite a lot. Like sus... You missed out on sus.

Imagine missing out on sus.....what a loser.

September 26th (9:22 pm)

I seem to write here more than my actual journal. What are the odds? Jeez! I put a lot more thought into my actual journal than my normal diary though.

Here my thoughts kinda all come out on one page. I'm not used to writing them out anymore since I'm in the body now (and have been here forever) so theres a lot of responsbility and things to do. I found myself to not have time to go back to my place and write. I guess I'm just doing all the things I do at my house but here ig hahaha.

Recently I've been thinking about Ram. I wonder how I explain my relationship with Ram. It isn't good thats for sure. But I wonder how I can make it better.

I wish when they saw me they'd think of my father instead of Fergus.

I don't want to think about him either. I mean for the most part I don't. I really could care less about Fergus (him being mentioned about 20 times here doesn't make that statement seem very trustworthy). But its true.

Only now have I realized I think about Fergus much more than I thought I did. This Diary really makes think. But the thing is I don't feel sad. I don't really feel angry either. Fergus doesn't really make me feel anything.

The only thing I can really remember is him saying I was better than my father. More than once. Many many times. I wonder if that does any mental harm to me. If anything it just bored me.

It was funny to know that my dad was a lot less compliant. Quiet, but a delinquent he would say. Look at him now! I can't ever imagine my father being some youngster delinquent like Fergus would say.

Now hes a kiss ass... What broke him into being a kiss ass... Was it Fergus?

I doubt it.

My dad is the type to only be broken by someone he cares for, someone he loves. And he showed nothing but disgust for Fergus.

I know who broke him. I can say I'm a part of him becoming a kiss ass. I guess he didn't want my life to be like his.

He seems like such a lovely happy go lucky man! But jeez what a ruse.

I feel like nothing but ungrateful. He went through much more than I. Through childhood a man who would mentally and physically torture him. To my absent disregarding grandparents.

He never told me.

He never told me what happened to him. He kept everything in his life a secret.

If I did't have Conan and Fergus to tell me the things he didn't I think his entire life (and mine) would be an absolute secret to me.

Now Fergus is nothing but a shitty narriator. I doubt dad was as hard ass as he said he was. He just wanted him to be someone like me. To submit. Usually I'm not the one to go without a fight. But when I was younger I was the biggest pushover known to man (I still kinda am for the right person......but thats another story).

Now imagining DAD fight tooth and nail is nothing I can imagine. Even when it came to my grandparents he still greeted them like they did nothing to him. Like they didn't hand him over to a man who would use him, who would torture him. Like they didn't give him to a man who would mentally and emotionally scar him for the rest of his life, a man whose existance would drastically change his decisions in life.

He thanked them.

HE THANKED THEM.

How could he thank them?

How could he look them in the eye and thank his parents for handing him over to be tortured?

Didn't he used to fight tooth and nail?

What happened to that child that Conan and Eudoxia used to talk about?

I never got to see him once. I was only shown a compliant enabler.

The hands that used to abuse him became the hands that he shook before taking Eloi down the line.

What a coward.

I wish I got to see that man that everyone spoke of.

But by the time I was born and BECAUSE I was born. That man was gone.

He decided to become the man that he was abused by. He just wore a different name tag. Had different practices.

I watched a video on the Elan School Institution cult a couple weeks ago. It reminds me about how members of the cult would define their leaders. After being punished time and time again they would learn to obide by the rules. Not to survive. But to get out.

I wont forget him holding Eloi down and telling them to be grateful. To be grateful that they're entering. To be grateful that hes subjecting him to the hands of the competitors. To Fergus.

That was better.

That was better than the things he had to go through.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine the things he had to go through?

I couldn't. I still can't. I can't imagine what Fergus did to him.

I guess he thought taking a different approach with a different Barrion would be easier. And I guess he was right.

September 24th (4:13 pm)

I've been trying to find this article and sort of documentary on Tarantella in Italy that I had read and watched quite some time ago. It was unlike any type of google search or wikipedia page gave me. I would say I watched it about a year or two ago to understand what WAS really happening to those children during that crazy phenomenon. I had watched. I had observed everything myself. And I still couldn't tell you what I saw.

This article gave me the knowlegde that Tarantella wasn't just caused from a wolf spiders bite. But even was said to be caused by a woman struck in grief. It was majorly women who would suffer from the phenomenon. There were only a small percentage of men.

Due to this women were seen as hysterical, uncontrollable during this time period.

This lead to a wave of misogyny throughout Italy in the early 1500's and to this day.

Tarantella began to be seen as a call for attention in Italy. People had doubts that it was even real.

I do remember the documentary interviewing a few people to see their opinions and experiences with Tarantella. The men would disagree and claim that any woman holding onto mass hysteria using Tarantella seemed absolutely absurd. But the women in Italy had another opinion.

They said that it was observed as some incurable psychological disturbance. One even said that someone she was close to a woman who had Tarantella. Upon her husbands death, she claimed that Tarantella had possessed her. Strucken by grief, she was said to have the uncontrollabe urge... To Dance. Hysterically.

It is unfortunate that I cannot find this exact documentary anymore. But I have found a similar article talking about the phenomenon that was able to piece my memory just a bit more.

"Young women, and occasionally men, bitten by tarantulas or other venomous insects like scorpions, would be stricken by an apathetic unresponsiveness, from which they could recover only through hours, and often days, of lively dance."

"If local musicians were unsuccessful in curing a tarantata in her home, she would be brought to St. Paul’s chapel in Galatina, where she would plead with the saint for mercy from the spider’s venom and often drink the blessed well water."

"De Martino, and later researchers like Luigi Chiriatti, argued that tarantism was an expression of this marginality: a way for these women to manifest their social suffering, have that suffering recognized, and relocate themselves within a community, rather than outside of it. When a woman, young or old, was struck with tarantism, it was an opportunity for the community to come together."

Since Tarantella was at its peak. It was said that Churches had banned it as a celebration dance.

With all this information given. What was I watching? Who was I really watchinng be struck by the hysteria called Tarantella?

I remember Dad being nervous. I remember the music they played. I watched in horror.

Why would they make Children do this?

Why does Dad bring me to watch?

Why am I not lost with mad hysteria? Why am I not possessed with the ever so shocking uncurable illness called the Tarantella?

I suppose in some way. I am mad with hysteria due to the Tarantella.

Nothing but years later I stare up at the ceiling and think about it. I think about her. I wonder why they did that to her.

I wanted to do nothing, but to hold her hand, to hug her. Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I hug her?

It made me realize.

I am a Barrion. I cannot touch her.

Why was I so afraid to touch someone just because of my name? Who would be afraid to even graze someone because of their invisible status. Because of a name?

Why am I so special?

I'm not special. I'm just lucky. God had handed me a phenomenal deck of cards. Those that I cannot forget. Those that are the cause of my downfall.

I beg with god to give me another deck of cards. To no avail. Mary is impatient with me.

Is it because of Eloi? Is it because of Tarantella?

I ask her this to no avail. She doesn't answer me anymore. Shes left me alone to think about the things I've done. To wonder what I could have done differently. Who am I to blame for all this? Theres has to be someone to blame. I can't take responsbility. I'm too afraid.

So who is to blame?!

Dad...?

Fergus?.........?

No.

Finally. It is a sudden realization! Years later!

I, Roman Barrion. Am to blame.

It was taken me so long to realize that those things I regret not doing, are my doing.

I cannot blame anyone for my fear. Who am I to blame? Dad? What would he have done. Perhaps throttled me, but that isn't out of the ordinary.

I was scared for my Dad. For his status. What would become of him if his oh so precious token child had touched an indecent girl diseased with Tarantella?

I want to find out. I want to find out what he would have done to me. What would have become of me.

Who would I have been if I had caressed the girl during Tarantella?

Would I even be Roman Barrion?

Who would I be, Mary?

Please tell me...

I'd do anything to go back to Tarantella...

September 24th 2021 (4:51 am)

Hi. I'm finally using this since I'm thinking quite a bit. Nothing too out of the ordindary just about art. How far we have come. Hell, how far I have come. Jeez... I used to be blonde... can you believe that?

On a good note! Finally got our Simply Plural up and running again. That took a bit. Even the mod was confused on how our fucking account got wiped. But I opened to see this. It's so funny. What was I doing for 79 hours, 35 minutes, and 23 seconds. I refuse to believe I was doing anything productive.

To be fair I would dick around then just insert that I was fronting said time as I was dicking around hahaha. So very telling.

Starting this off. I kinda don't know what to do here! What do I do. What do I talk about. What do I upload? It's all so much to think about. I guess things I would only tell to empty space. Things that are on my mind. I guess I can discuss personal topic heres too. Maybe things that interest me? finally upload those Higurashi screenshots chilling in my dms hahaha. Thats a good start!

.....................................

Truthfully. I don't know if I should be upbeat or not. Really. In all reality, It doesn't matter. This is meant for me. Really. Why would I care if anyone else saw? Especially if they don't know anything I'm talking about. So I can be as cryptid as I want. I can talk about as many topics as I'd like.

The three topics that have been on my lately are Fergus, Tarantella, and Communion. The usual. The regular. Communion is always on my mind. But Fergus and Tarantella? Those are newer ones for me. As someone may find this surprising. I don't actually think about Fergus much. I'm blessed. Maybe you can call it some type of idiocy or blissful ignorance. But he was on my mind last week. I wonder what triggered it. I wonder what made me think about him. Maybe it was Communion. Maybe it was writing.

When I want to write. I want to write about something I am very passionate about. Something that I feel like I can give very well descriptors of. And who and what comes into mind when I think of the things I can write about so clearly. You guessed it. Fergus. Communion. Maybe even Tarantella. I've been wanting to write about Tarantella for over a year now. Ever since I read Elois writing and personal experience with Communion. I always wanted to write about Tarantella. The absolute madness of Tarantella.

How do I write about the aboslute madness of Tarantella without sounding mad myself? How can I myself explain Tarantella who has no idea what Taratella is about? Even a google search doesn't capture what Tarantella is.

Reading all this makes me sound cryptic. I don't mean to be. I just don't know how to explain Tarantella without people thinking I'm insane. Without spilling and telling the whole world about me or what I've been through. But as I said in the beginning, none of that matters. So why is it so hard for me to write about it? Why whenever I prepare to write about in my google docs I stare at a blank page and don't know where to start.

Where do I start?

With Dad? With how luxurious the place was. I'll never forget my first Tarantella.

Realizing the privledge I had to be my fathers son. My status. Why I even had it to begin with. Who really was I? Was I a seperate person. Or was I just an experiment. Was I Roman? Or was I just a trophey for my father, for Fergus.

Tarantella is the event where I had asked these questions. I had lingering thoughts of these questions every event I would go to. But it was only until Tarantella where I realized the power I held to be a Barrion. That if I wasn't my fathers son. That could be me next. I could be there next.

Why am I not there?

Who am I?

Why am I not on the chopping block.

Fergus would never allow that.

Dad would never allow that.

If I was not beneficial. Would that be me? Is that why Dad isn't entering me into Communion? Is that why hes only entering Eloi? What makes me so special?

Well. When it comes down to it. I wasn't.

Nothing about me was special. I was the token child. He couldn't use me. No one could. It would make them look bad. It was make everyone look bad. It wasn't because they didnt want to enter me. It was because it looked bad. I would have been entered if I wasn't Roman Barrion. Who was I to not be held down against my will. Of course, Fergus was always going to hold me down against my will. But on his own terms. Behind closed doors. Yes! Behind a closed door. Yes. Because only Mary knows that that was easier than entering token child Roman Barrion into Communion.

Would life have been easier if I had entered Communion myself?

What would they have done if Roman Barrion announced that he wanted to enter, to compete to be the next King?

When I grow up and take Dads place, who will I enroll for Communion?

Whose guardian would I be?

These are the things I think about before going to bed. I lay in the body. I lay on calls. I stare up at the ceiling.

My god! Who would I be?

I'd be rich. Thats for sure. I'd have the nice watches and fancy suits, just like Dad. My hair would probably be longer. Would I tie it up like I do now? No... I'd slick it down. Keep it its natural color...

My sermons? They'd be boring. I wouldn't be an enthusiastic as Dad was. In reality, he was shit at his job unless he was on something. Would I follow in his footsteps? I already have! What a boring life it would be. But how would that "boring life" be?

The expectations of being a Barrion would get to me. Hell. They've already gotten to me.

Its carried over. No matter where I go, I will always be an experiment. I'm made for social status. I'm made for privledge. I'm not made for anything else...

What would Dad have said if I told him this? What would Dad have said if I wasn't so scared to tell him?

Learning from someone else my origin. Learning from someone else how and why I exist. Why couldn't you just tell me? Gifts don't matter, Dad. They don't matter.

What would you have done?

How angry would you have gotten?

The same angry you got when I tried to protect Eloi from you? The same angry you got when I trashed your stash? The same angry you got when I told you I was visiting Fergus?

How angry would you have gotten?

I wish I told you. I want to see how angry you would have gotten. I wish I could have seen the things you would have done to me. I wish I got to fight you back. The amount of times you held me down. The amount of times we got into it. I was always angry that I never got into it with you over that.

When I get out of here will you give me the opportunity to fight you one last time? You can't really hold my head down in a sink full of water, pick me up by my hair, or threaten violence on me anymore. I wish I could see you try. Think old age would get the best of you before you even tried something like that with me lol. So what would you do, Dad?

Would you do that stupid tsk thing you used to do every time something annoyed you? That'd be funny. Thats all I can imagine you doing.

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You idiot.

You fucking idiot.

Where are you, idiot.

Are you still alive?

How are you?

I'm a lot taller now.

Uh. you'd laugh. I have a bunch of partners now... you always said I would kill it once I got older. I guess I did. I mean I am...

You wont be here to see me get married like you said you would.

Also I'm not with Eloi like you predicted. They're with Aloysius now hahaha!

You'd hate to hear it! They're totally all lovey dovey and stuff. So annoying. Alo bothers me every now and then and I kick him out of my fucking house. You'd think he'd stay out, but he cant seem to even after years later. He hasn't changed a bit. I'd say hes a little bit more outgoing now. Think its cause his mom isn't shitting on him every 5 minutes.

Oh! I hope Alos mom isn't bothering you right now. Y'know what'd be funny? If I got out of here and you were married to Alos mom................ unreal........... you've fallen in love... haven't you? Grossest thing ever.

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I don't blame you...y'know.

The cycle of abuse gets the best of us. You didn't have the option to break out of that. If you did, you would have gotten us killed. You wouldn't have given us the life we have now.

I know you wanted to. I know you wanted to. For Eudoxia. I know you wanted to.

I hope wherever you are. I hope you're keeping Eudoxia company. I hope you're finally dead. I hope you're at peace.

I hope you're not looking for me like you said you would, you idiot.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to think of the idea of you still looking for me? You'd be just as bad as Alos mom!

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I love you.

Lets meet again. In the afterlife maybe. Where we can fight it out at least one more time. For ol times sake.

Goodnight, Dad.

This is where I write about my thoughts.